the $1500 shutdown

I wish I had a rational explanation as to why I feel so annoyed, and hurt. It’s not like he has cheated on me, or ever done anything worthy of my feeling this way….i just do. It’s frustrating and overwhelming. My husband has been gone with his buddies for 5.5 hours and counting.  He has text me several times and called me twice to let me know his time out is going to be “extended”. Again I have no reason to feel all the things I do inside, but a part of me just wants to cry. I can’t figure out if it’s just the woman in me, or if something more.

I worry …I know that my husband only drinks two things; long island iced teas, and Guinness. And after our last few texts I know that he has had his share. Maybe it’s because I have always had a total disgust for drunkenness in my partners unless I am drunk myself (shallow I know, but I have my reasons) or maybe it’s because I am scared of what might happen…I just don’t know.

What I am scared of most is NOT how I feel right this minute…but how I will feel once he comes home. What will become of those feelings then? What will they tangibly become? Will I make him sleep downstairs? (I have work, and he snores at the best of times, let alone when drinking, but is that the real reason?) Will I be a bitch to him? Will I ignore him? Sighs, I just wish the feelings did not exist to begin with. Everyone deserves a night out with their friends, maybe I would have been better about this if I had been prepared for this to become some big night. Maybe it would be easier if it wasn't a work night. I know how my husband feels when it’s a work night and I am out late. Sighs I thought writing this would ease my mind, but instead I just feel more anxiety.

I don’t know what will make it better. And I fear for how I will feel as each hour passes…I know I am not being rational, but the heart feels what it feels, and I can’t help but ask, why? There must be some deep rooted reason we feel the way we do, when we do.